Original query:
He was so naïve to a world he never believed existed. But everything he doubted before will prove to be more than just reality…
No-nonsense Cale didn’t believe in fantasy lands, shape-shifting Druids, warrior faeries, or evil uncles, king of half a world living in eternal darkness. So, it’s no surprise that when his best friend, Kenna tells him he isn’t human but the rightful heir to the throne of Realm and the perils he faces four years before, he shrugs it off as more than a fictitious tale. Here on Earth, things were normal, and he was just an ordinary bad-mouth, bad tempered man-child trying to survive life and school. Now four years later, twenty yr. old Cale is made a believer when he’s thrown into a vicious game of good vs. death with one depraved Uncle he’s never known who’s positive that eliminating him will gain his uncle access to HIS throne.
Through this onerous journey he must match brain and brawn, where blasting and blocking powers combine with wit and courage and the wielding strength of a sword larger than him. To track down a long lost uncle believed dead and fight to keep them both out of the claws of Jhansi and his seven feet tall killer Knights. This one he would keep, in place of the sister he wasn’t able to save. This one he would keep.
But young Cale is sorely unprepared for his brutal war against an elder Jhansi, and trying to protect those closest to him proves to be more daunting than he ever imagined. With many cruel twists and turns in this game, his assorted band of Realm friends wonder if his mind and heart can truly handle slaying the vilest creature this world has ever known. And with a relative this wicked, Cale, so new to this world, wonders the same.
Freaks Society is my first completed 87,000 word NA Epic Fantasy set in a modern time with medieval gothic/Victorian imagery that runs rampant with wickedness and gives a whole new meaning to “family”. A cross between J.K. Rowling and Holly Black, this novel will appeal to those who love a story with a bit of darkness, spice, and everything not so nice! Taking our hero through a grim world of betrayal, abandonment, loved ones lost, and lessons learned. I see this novel as the start of a true series, one that crosses boundaries and gives a fresh take on storytelling. Would you like to see more? I would love to send you a few chapters or the full manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
And now for the crit. My comments are in purple:
He was so naïve to a world he never believed existed. But everything he doubted before will prove to be more than just reality… (While I think this hints at something interesting and ominous, it’s a little too vague to pack the intended punch. Also I’m left wondering, what is more than just reality? I think your query might be stronger skipping this hook and starting below with Cale)
No-nonsense Cale didn’t believe in fantasy lands, shape-shifting Druids, warrior faeries, or evil uncles, (is something missing here or is the uncle also king? perhaps ‘warrior faeries, let alone an evil uncle being king…’) king of half a world living in eternal darkness (is the world in eternal darkness or does this suggest the king is somehow in eternal darkness? I find this a little confusing). So, it’s no surprise that when his best friend, Kenna, tells him he isn’t human, but the rightful heir to the throne of Realm and (the perils he faces four years before – not sure what you mean by this. The present tense throws me off. Is he somehow inheriting these perils? I’d skip this and jump straight from Realm to Cale shrugging it off), he shrugs it off as more than a fictitious tale. Here on Earth, things were normal, and he was just an ordinary bad-mouth, bad tempered man-child trying to survive life and school. Now four years later, twenty yr. old Cale is made a believer when he’s thrown into a vicious game of good vs. death with one depraved Uncle he’s never known who’s positive that eliminating him will gain his uncle access to HIS throne. Whoa – that’s a lot of information packed into one very long run on sentence. You need to break it down. Also, the query should reflect the POV character’s voice – does Cale see himself as a man-child? That’s also something I’d associate with a much older character (I’m thinking Tony Stark) not a barely adult 20yr old. I think you need to tighten this paragraph up a lot. Do we need to know about shape-shifting druids and warrior faeries at all? Stick with the focus being on Cale and his uncle rather, showing us Cale’s reluctance to believe in the fantastic and the threat he faces.
Through this onerous journey he must match brain and brawn, where blasting and blocking powers combine with wit and courage and the strength of wielding a sword larger than him. To track down a long lost uncle believed dead and fight to keep them both out of the claws of Jhansi and his seven feet tall killer Knights. This one he would keep, in place of the sister he wasn’t able to save. This one he would keep. I am quite confused right now. Who is ‘this one’ ? If Jhansi is the antagonist, you need to let us know a little more about what’s at stake. I think any onerous (<– would Cale use this word) journey require both brain and brawn so you don’t need to go into too much detail.
But young Cale is sorely unprepared for his brutal war against an elder Jhansi, and trying to protect those closest to him proves to be more daunting than he ever imagined. With many cruel twists and turns in this game, his assorted band of Realm friends wonder if his mind and heart can truly handle slaying the vilest creature this world has ever known This is a switch in POV – now we’re seeing Cale from his friends’ POV and I’m not sure it matters. I’m sure Cale has his own doubts about his ability to complete the journey. And with a relative this wicked, Cale, so new to this world, wonders the same. Exactly. Stick with Cale.
Freaks Society, complete at 87,000 words, is an NA Epic Fantasy set in a modern time with medieval gothic/Victorian imagery Wow, that’s quite a mix. I’d mention the strongest influence that might help an agent with knowing where this book sits on a shelf but a medieval, gothic, Victorian epic fantasy is too much. If it really has all these elements, best to call it a genre mash-up. that runs rampant with wickedness and gives a whole new meaning to “family”. A cross between J.K. Rowling (be careful with such famous and grandiose comparisons – rather compare your work to precise titles than an entire canon. Remember, JK Rowling also wrote The Casual Vacancy) and Holly Black, this novel will appeal to those who love a story with a bit of darkness, spice, and everything not so nice! Taking our hero through a grim world of betrayal, abandonment, loved ones lost, and lessons learned. You don’t need this since you’ve just said it in the query. I see this novel as the start of a true series, one that crosses boundaries and gives a fresh take on storytelling. Better just to say: This novel has series potential. Would you like to see more? I’d be happy to send you chapters or the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
There’s a lot of potential here. An NA epic fantasy really intrigues me, but I don’t think your query is doing your story justice just yet. I think the biggest issue here is a lack of clear stakes. What will Cale lose if he doesn’t take up this quest? What is trying to achieve? Who thwarts him? Is there a love interest? If there is, make more of that – show us what Cale cares about and what it’ll mean to him to lose the things he loves. Nathan Bransford has a great query template, and while it is simplistic, I found it very useful in creating the bones of my first query letter. Once you’ve got a good skeleton, you can dress it up in the colours of your story. Also remember that your query should echo the tone and voice of your manuscript, so you want the query to be in the POV character’s voice. If your novel is dark with Gothic elements, let that come through in the query.
Thank you so much for letting me critique your query and share this process with others. I wish you the very best with all your writerly endeavours. Happy writing and good luck with your query!
If you would like to have your query critiqued, please email me suzanne(at)suzannevanrooyen.com with Query Crit in the subject line.
