This weekend, I’m critting two queries because of some upcoming pitch contests. Usually, I’ll only post one a week. Onto the query…
Original Query
When 17-year-old Jenna Rose and her family clear the first line of defense, it’s obvious Delford Valley is not the sanctuary they were promised. Machine gun laden sentries guard every corner, surveillance cameras watch the narrow streets, and giant billboards flash the faces of their leaders over the city. It’s so not what she expected, but Jenna’s sure it is the last place her crazy dad, James will find them.
Jenna’s a Majesty, one of the gifted with incredible powers, and the Valley has schools for people just like her. She learns her gift is one of the rare ones and can’t help her excitement, until she finds out exactly what it means. The reason rare gifts are so uncommon is because the people who have them end up dead or insane. She knows this is what must have happened to James and is determined not to go the same way.
The more Jenna uses her gift though, the stranger things become. Someone searches her room but the evidence disappears, her memories aren’t as reliable as they used to be, and her dreams are so real she nearly drowns in one of them. Then the doll’s head shows up, a marker James has found them again, and Jenna can’t tell the different between what’s real and what’s in her head.
ILLUSION OF A MAJESTY is a Young Adult fantasy, complete at 85,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Marissa Meyer’s The Lunar Chronicles series, and Kiera Cass’s Selection series. This is my first novel and has series potential.
And now for the crit. My comments are in purple:
When 17-year-old Jenna Rose and her family clear the first line of defense, it’s obvious Delford Valley is not the sanctuary they were promised. (strong opening line although it’s not immediately apparent if this is sci-fi or not. Might want to hint at the world-building straight away) Machine gun laden sentries guard every corner, surveillance cameras watch the narrow streets, and giant billboards flash the faces of their leaders over the city. It’s so not what she expected, but Jenna’s sure it is the last place her crazy (crazy good? Or crazy bad? If her dad is meant to be scary, intimidating etc. perhaps say violent or abusive or use the word insane, as crazy – to me at least – conjures images of a mad scientist type) dad, James will find them.
Jenna’s a Majesty, one of the gifted with incredible powers, and the Valley has schools for people just like her.(Okay, first actual hint that this is not a world like our own. Perhaps start with this rather) She learns her gift is one of the rare ones and can’t help her excitement, until she finds out exactly what it means. The reason rare gifts are so uncommon is because the people who have them end up dead or insane. She knows this is what must have happened to James and is determined not to go the same way.
The more Jenna uses her gift though, the stranger things become. Someone searches her room but the evidence disappears (evidence of what?), her memories aren’t as reliable as they used to be, and her dreams are so real she nearly drowns in one of them. Then the doll’s head shows up, a marker James has found them again (creepy!), and Jenna can’t tell the different between what’s real and what’s in her head.
I think you’ve got something really good here, in need only of a few tweaks and some shoring up of ideas. That first paragraph isn’t necessary. In it, you tell us that Jenna sees through the ruse of the Valley but the next few paragraphs say she’s still in the Valley, not trying to escape it as the 1st paragraph seems to imply. I’d suggest starting with the second paragraph and incorporate the bit about Delford Valley not being the sanctuary imagined and her insane father hunting them into it. That will give us world-building and a sense of the conflict straight away.
The stakes aren’t clear. What if James finds them? What are the repercussions of Jenna’s mental instability? What does she stand to lose if her father finds her? Why does it matter if she can’t tell the real from the imagined? What is she trying to achieve? The third paragraph is a little too vague.
ILLUSION OF A MAJESTY is a Young Adult fantasy, complete at 85,000 words, with series potential. It will appeal to readers of Marissa Meyer’s The Lunar Chronicles series, and Kiera Cass’s Selection series (Good!). (never admit that the novel you’re querying is your ‘first’)
Thank you so much for letting me critique your query and share this process with others. I wish you the very best with all your writerly endeavours. Happy writing and good luck with your query!
If you would like to have your query critiqued, please email me suzanne(at)suzannevanrooyen.com with Query Crit in the subject line.
