Original Query:
Declan runs to his foster parents to say he loves them, he’s sorry, and he hopes he’ll make it out of the Federation alive. If he doesn’t than he was either hung for treason or eaten by a loose hellhound. For the beast’s sake, Declan hoped he wouldn’t taste too gamey.
Except the twenty-story perimeter walls stand in his way. Built to keep out the horrors of the Third World War, Declan has no option but to trust the journals left to him by his murdered birth parents. According to them, the walls are nothing more than a government-made cage, there is still life out there, and it’s Declan’s only hope.
Bleeding and in a burning prison, Declan has to trust a gang of misfits and escapes to the sewers. Using a forgotten passage, Declan steps out onto the English countryside, wild and abandoned, with the Federation long behind him. A city in the distance catches his interest and he quickly discovers his parents weren’t that wrong after all. There is life left on the outside, just not the kind of people he was expecting. The city’s vengeful inhabitants, an army of forgotten soldiers, are in the process of waging war and Declan is standing on the wrong side of the battlefield.
Apparently, the Federation walls really were built for protection.
CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED is a complete 75,000-word YA science fiction about adventure, friendship, and self-discovery. It can either stand alone or be the first of one or two more in a series.
And now for the crit. My comments are in purple:
Declan runs (I’m not sure whether this is literal or if you mean that Declan ‘goes’ to his foster parents) to his foster parents to say he loves them, he’s sorry, and he hopes he’ll make it out of the Federation alive Intriguing, but I’m not sure this is enough of a hook. If he doesn’t then he‘ll either be (queries are always in present and sometimes future tense) hung (hanged usually when referring to people but this might be a regional thing) for treason or eaten by a loose hellhound (whoa, what? Federation and treason makes me think sci-fi, but the hellhound part threw me. I think you need to include a little more world-building in this opening paragraph to help orientate us. The where and when is important in genre fiction). For the beast’s sake, Declan hopes he won’t taste too gamey. (This last sentence doesn’t add much at all. Why does Declan even care about the creature that’s about to eat him? This first paragraph hasn’t really captured my attention the way it needs to.)
Except the twenty-story perimeter walls stand in his way (of making it out alive? That sentence was a long time ago so this ‘except’ is kind of hanging). Built to keep out the horrors of the Third World War, Declan has no option but to trust the journals left to him by his murdered birth parents. According to them, the walls are nothing more than a government-made cage, there is still life out there, and it’s Declan’s only hope. (This would make a great first paragraph if you dropped the ‘except’ from that first sentence. It immediately gives us a sense of the world and that Declan is in trouble. This paragraph makes me want to read more.)
Bleeding and in a burning prison, Declan has to trust a gang of misfits and escapes to the sewers. Using a forgotten passage, Declan steps out onto the English countryside, wild and abandoned, with the Federation long behind him. A city in the distance catches his interest and he quickly discovers his parents weren’t that wrong after all. (This is plot summary and doesn’t belong in a query) There is life left on the outside, just not the kind of people he was expecting. The city’s vengeful inhabitants, an army of forgotten soldiers, are in the process of waging war and Declan is standing on the wrong side of the battlefield.
Apparently, the Federation walls really were built for protection. (The final line of a query needs to pack a punch. This doesn’t quite do that. What’s at stake for Declan? How does he know which side he should be on? What happens if he makes the wrong choice?)
Might also be helpful to know how old Declan is – is this for younger YA readers or for more mature readers?
CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED, complete at 75,000-words, is a YA science fiction novel about adventure, friendship, and self-discovery with series potential.
The biggest issue with this query is that it’s bordering more on a synopsis than a blurb. A query shouldn’t give us a breakdown of plot but focus rather on the character, what they want, why it’s difficult to acheive, what’ll happen if they do or don’t, and what vital decision needs to be made, which is what your story is actually all about. I suggest reading the jacket cover blurbs of some of your favourite books to get an idea of how to introduce your character and world without actually getting too much into the plot of the book. I think there is potential here, but your query isn’t quite there yet.
Thank you so much for letting me critique your query and share this process with others. I wish you the very best with all your writerly endeavours. Happy writing and good luck with your query!
If you would like to have your query critiqued, please email me suzanne(at)suzannevanrooyen.com with Query Crit in the subject line.
